According to an article from Georgetown University, “leadership coaching is needed today more than ever as a critical tool for organizational change.” Increasingly, in today’s challenging public and private sector environment, almost all leaders indicate that they not only want coaching but need it. (LaBier, 2013) The question is why.

An article in Psychology Today may point to the answers. It was proposed that because of increased global competitiveness, challenging cultural dynamics, the downward trajectories in the economic environment, increased organizational turmoil and the astronomically higher levels of stress, the success rate and longevity of today’s top executives is now vastly different than that their counterparts a generation ago. In other words, top leaders can now expect less managerial success and shorter careers than their predecessors.

In the past two decades, 30% of Fortune 500 CEOs have lasted less than 3 years in their positions. Top executive failure rates are as high as 75% and are rarely less than 30%. Chief executives are now lasting 7.6 years on a global average which is down from 9.5 years in 1995. And, according to the Harvard Business Review, two out of five new CEOs fail in their first 18 months on the job. It appears that the major reason for the failure has nothing to do with competence, or knowledge, or experience, but rather with hubris and ego and a leadership style which may be out of touch with the changing leadership environment in modern times.

According to Dr. Marcus Mottley in an article entitled: “Why Today’s Leaders Need Emotional Intelligence Coaching”: “The bottom line is that leaders of small and large, public or private sector organizations need help. And the kind of help they need is not in the technical arena where they are mostly competent and highly experienced. The help they need is in the area popularly called ‘soft skills’ which involves topical areas such as: interpersonal, communication and relational skills, influencing and motivational skills, awareness of and managing their own emotions, and, dealing effectively with the emotions of others, etc.“

What is the relationship between Coaching and Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI)?

Most coaching interventions try to enhance some aspect of EQ, usually under the name of social, interpersonal, or soft skills training. The rationale for this is that “whereas IQ is very hard to change, EQ can increase with deliberate practice and training.” (Chamorro-Premuzic, 2013) And, according to some researchers and business leaders “emotional intelligence is one of the more under-rated business skills that need to be given more attention.” (Chen, 2013)

Daniel Goleman, a thought leader on the subject of emotional intelligence, refers to EQ as “the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and our relationships.” Motivation, awareness of and managing our feelings (emotions), developing effective interpersonal relationships, the ability to effectively express ourselves and enhancing our empathy for others are all domains within the context of emotional intelligence.

“Breakthroughs in brain research also show how leaders’ moods and actions have enormous impact on those they lead. A leader’s emotions can either energize or deflate an entire organization. Strong leaders make people feel good in bad times by helping them deal with negative emotions and by nourishing their positive ones so they can do what they have to do.
(Emotional Intelligence, Goleman)

A leader’s mood has the ability to inspire, arouse passion and enthusiasm and to keep people motivated and committed. Leaders who possess high levels of EI are adept at inducing desirable responses in others and are able to capture the “discretionary energy” of employees, which can impact the organization’s performance as measured by revenues and profits.

“Emotional leadership is the spark that ignites a company’s performance, creating a bonfire of success or a landscape of ashes.” (Primal Leadership, Goleman). Research has shown that a critical mass of EI capabilities has significant benefits to the bottom line by as much as 28%.
There is no question, then, that there is a link between a company’s success and the emotional intelligence of it leaders. (Grossman, 2005)

In another study reported in the “Business Case for Emotional Intelligence”, researchers looked at which of three competencies best predict leadership performance. While intellectual competence indicated a 9.2% predictability of leadership performance, and managerial skills and knowledge showed a 10.4% predictability score, emotional intelligence indicated a 13% score of predictability of leadership performance.

An article in the online blog Six Seconds summarizes the importance of emotional intelligence to leaders in this way: “Leadership is a ‘people business’ and emotional intelligence is the missing link. EI helps leaders know themselves and use their own strengths — and work with and through people effectively.” It continues that “Higher EI Leaders are more likely to make better decisions, engage and influence more effectively, and create the right mood for the job.” And Jack Welch, former CEO and Chairman of General Electric posits “No doubt, emotional intelligence (EI) is more rare than book smarts… but my experience says it is actually more important in the making of a leader. You just can’t ignore it.” (Wall Street Journal, the Four E’s, January 23, 2004).
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Most people’s lives are driven by their feelings. You feel hungry and you eat. You feel that you want a little more and you eat a little more. You feel that some ice cream or cookies would be the best dessert… so you ‘indulge’ (even though you have to follow it up with 1000 mg of Metformin, or worse – some insulin – because of your diabetes).

And I know and you know that the stomach is not the only place where our feelings dictate what we do. You are a married, internationally powerful leader and you feel that you should ‘indulge’ yourself with an intern. And, you do! You are rich, but you feel that you are not rich enough so you ‘indulge’ in some illegal investment activities. You a White policeman and you ‘feel’ differently (negatively) about Black people than you feel about White people, so when push comes to shove, you let all your ‘hidden’ feelings drive your actions.

So what should you do if you find that your feelings are controlling your life (and you don’t want them to)?

Stop living by your feelings. Stop letting your feelings drive what you do daily. Stop letting your feelings dictate your interactions with others.

Stop following your feelings until those feelings are insync with your decisions, your values and your life’s mission. But here is the problem with that statement… your decisions are probably driven by your feelings. Yes, your feelings are probably the hidden (and not so hidden) drivers behind your thoughts, beliefs, decisions – and definitely your actions.

Some writers have called this the “think, feel, do” cycle. I call it the “feel, think, do” cycle… and the “feel, do, think about it after the fact” cycle.

Most things that we do don’t go in the order of: “Let me see… what should I do? OK, I will do this and that… and then after that I will do so and so… etc.) Nope. Most people feel a particular way about something, this then drives their thoughts… and their actions follow quickly thereafter.

For example, you are driving on a neighborhood street and someone cuts in front of you just barely missing hitting your car. Do you say to yourself, “How should I respond to this person?” Nope. Instead, you probably think – “That idiot, what the hell is he doing? He could have killed me!” And, that’s the tame version of what you might say, not only to yourself but out loud. You might not even say anything! Instead, you might speed up right under his bumper, wait until you both get to the next red light… pull up by his side, roll down your window and blast him – verbally of course (although your preference at that moment would be to use some other instrument other than your mouth to do the blasting)!

At that point, what is in control of your actions? Is it your cognitive self (rationally thinking and deciding on how to act)? Or is it your emotional self… driven by your out of control feelings? Of course, through all of this, there is no part of your rational, cognitive self, saying to itself… “I shouldn’t…” You might even hesitate because your 8 year old is in the car, or because there are four burly, ‘hooded’ and ‘tattooed’ guys in the car glaring back at you.

So even if you hesitate, your ‘rational’ brain tells you, “I have a right to be pissed! That so and so…” In other words… there is no part of you that questions your feelings… or your right to feel the way you do. And even worse, there is no part of you that challenges your follow-up actions (because you have a right to be angry). So, your feelings have carte blanche control of all other aspects of your ‘self’ (thoughts, other feelings, behaviors and actions). And to add to this misery, each time you think about this even (even five years later), those same thoughts, feelings and the drive to act in a certain way, resurface in full blown mode all over again!

It doesn’t matter if you are a nun, priest, monk, police, lawyer, teacher, addict, retired judge, or octogenarian. Your feelings probably have almost total control of you.

So… what do you do?

Keep reading this blog!

How to disable, diminish, neutralize the power of your feelings/emotions to totally control your life in ways that put you at risk is the subject of a forthcoming book and several forthcoming articles on this site.

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Get help if you suffer from the type of mental problems that triggers feelings that life is not worth living.
The first thing that you should understand is that you are not alone and with the right help and professional intervention you can enjoy the feeling that you can make it.

You are also not alone in the fact that everyday hundreds of thousands of people – maybe even millions of people – around the world struggle with mental disorders such as depression and anxiety. Most of these people find ways to at least cope while many others find ways to be successful in the lives that they choose to live.

One of the reasons that many people don’t get help is because there is a stigma attached to mental disorders in their culture. As a result, they and their families hide their mental problems behind closed doors. In many countries – including the so-called developed countries – many families have been known to lock away and secrete from the world family members who exhibit mental problems. These people suffer a long and miserable life of agony in an age where help is just a phone call away or a visit to the local clinic. As a matter of fact, people can get help just by going on the internet and finding natural solutions to some disorders.

In some unsophisticated communities, those who suffer from disorders like depression, grief, trauma, phobias or anxiety can also get help by talking with wise elders and community healers who have apothecaries of natural medicines that can help with some mild forms of these mental disorders. Modern trained clinicians and doctors – even those whose origins are from indigenous communities – tend to dismiss the healing and therapeutic power of natural forms of healing. Their modern ‘first world’ based on their ‘modern’ ‘scientific’ medical training has all but washed their brains of the centuries old healing powers of natural forms of healing. Thus, many of them warn potential clients that they should not get help from shamans, ‘witch doctors’, and other types of natural healers.
They even suggest that sufferers should not get help using medical approaches such as alternative medicines such as hypnosis, NLP, homeopathy, acupuncture, aromatherapy, naturopathy, Reflexology, Shiatsu, Ayurvedic medicine, or energy therapy.

Clearly, evidence abounds that some of these approaches to healing work well for some people in some situations. The truth is that also in many cases, these approaches work better, with less side effects and potentially less harm than many of the Western vaulted, high price medications many of which have murky reputations among patients.

For the persons who suffer from mental disorders, they should get help anyway that they can. They should monitor their responses to any intervention – whether mainstream or traditional.

Bottom line… Get help now!

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When taking medications for anxiety or depression patients must realize that these are not necessarily the best answer for these potentially serious mental disorders. There are several issues which rise to the surface including the fact that the medications may work for some people while they fail for others.

These medications including anti-depressants impact the brain in ways which may change people’s moods. Anxiety drugs may help some people deal with their feelings. These medications for anxiety or depression, however, are not cures since they only help to control the symptoms of anxiety or depression.

There is no healing process involved with these drugs for anxiety or depression and they often don’t even impact the symptoms right away. They may take days or even weeks before patients may see changes. Individuals must remember that many of these drugs work by making changes to the chemistry in the brain. However, once you stop taking the medications these changes are reversed back to their original condition and the symptoms of anxiety or depression will return in full force.

I realize that many people have no alternative but to turn to these medications for anxiety or depression so that they can get a chance for a life that approaches some semblance of normality. However, patients must closely monitor their psychological and physiological responses to the medications. Why? Because, while some medications may have no observable negative effect, there are others which can wreak havoc and make your life worse than before. The side effects of some of these medications are often worse than the anxiety or depression that they have been prescribed for.

Additionally, it may not be that your anxiety or depression medication is ineffective or incorrect. It may be that the dosage is incorrect for the problem that you have. When your doctor changes the prescription dosage (up or down), many of the negative side effects may be reduced or disappear altogether. One of the issues with managing the right dosage is that doctors prescribe medications for anxiety or depression without the close follow-up that is needed to ensure that the dosage is right. In many cases, it may take a patient months to get a follow-up appointment with a doctor who has a busy practice.

Therefore, rather than relying on the ‘wisdom’ of a busy doctor, patients who take medications for anxiety or depression should monitor their responses closely, and then if they feel that changes are needed, they should be aggressive in getting to their doctors immediately. In cases like this, I have suggested to my clients that they walk into the doctor’s office and demand to see the doctor right then and there. Doctors can always ‘squeeze’ in another appointment. If you call on the phone however, expecting to get the appointment, the clerical gatekeeper is going to stay on script and attempt to block your efforts to get an immediate appointment (if none is readily available).

There are times when doctors inform patients that it will take time for the anxiety or depression medication to work and for the side effects to ‘smooth out’. Don’t buy that line of reasoning. If you feel bad… if you feel something is not right… if you feel worse… if you are experiencing symptoms that have nothing to do with your anxiety or depression… be aggressive and get help right away… while you can.

Why? Some of the side effects for some of these anxiety or depression medications are potentially deadly including suicide or even black outs and vertigo while driving. Imagine driving on the highway and experiencing vertigo!

So… if you experience troubling symptoms from your new anxiety or depression medication… do whatever needs to be done to get to the doctor. And, if that proves difficult – get another doctor right away!  In this case break the rules that they set… and get help.

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Social Anxiety Disorder is a Psychiatric disorder that attacks one out of every eight Americans. Those who have the disorder can become physically sick in social situations. This disorder can devastate more than your self esteem, it can destroy your marriage, finances and many other aspects of your life. The disorder is characterized by fear of social situations.

There is help for people suffering with social anxiety disorder. If you seek treatment, you will be able to obtain medications, counseling and support group information to help cope with this psychiatric disorder. After seeking treatment, there are things that you can do to help alleviate stressful social situations and ways to begin to reacquaint yourself with friends and family members.

First, read everything you can on social anxiety disorder. Visit your local library and check out books on the subject. Then, check out books with topics on building self-esteem, positive thinking, public speaking, anything that you think will empower you to gain more confidence. You can not just “snap your fingers” and have this disorder just disappear You need to read everything you can on the subject and subjects that will help you re-build your own self-worth.

2) Start and maintain a daily, weekly, and monthly journal. In the daily journal write down where you are right now in your life. Write about any and all social situations. How did you feel in those social situations? How do you think other people reacted to you and how did you react to them? Did you feel sick today when you were in the social situation? These are crucial questions when trying to deal with social anxiety disorder.

At the end of the week, summarize your set-backs and itemize your progress. At the end of the month, write two pages in your journal. The first page should summarize any difficult situations and how you overcame the situation, or how you dealt with it. The second page should summarize the social events and social situations where you felt comfortable and why you felt comfortable. How did you feel overall? While this may seem to be a waste of time, the journals will help you face and overcome your fears and ultimately help you deal with your social anxiety disorder.

3) Set social goals for yourself and follow through on them. If you are extremely uneasy at the mall, then go to the mall and walk in. Then walk out, immediately. If your social anxiety seems to attack you when you are in the middle of a crowded building, walk to the center of the crowd, and immediately turn and walk away. Take small practical steps at the start and them move on to the more challenging issues you may have with social anxiety disorder.

Finally, always talk to your doctor or psychologist openly and honestly. If you are on medication, take it as prescribed and try to overcome your social anxiety so that you can experience the life that you deserve to live at the very fullest. Stressful social situations happen to everyone at some point in their lives and one out of every eight people know how you feel to be living with something much worse than ‘one social situation’, you are not alone at all and though there is little comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone , do know that you are understood.

Social anxiety disorder is serious but, but all over the world, millions of people have learned how to manage their symptoms on a daily basis.